I had a plan. I had a good plan. Graduate from high school, finish college in four years, get married, have my 2.5 children, and buy a house- all by age 30.
Let’s all laugh together.
You know what actually happened?
I graduated from high school, but it took me six years to graduate from college. I got married, but was separated by 24. I got pregnant, but had 3 miscarriages. I rent a house with no plans of buying anytime soon- I turn 29 next month.
The glaring variance between the two used to eat at me daily. It was all consuming.
As a pathological glutton for punishment, I compulsively checked social media. Facebook became an endless stream of coworkers and past classmates who had, in my eyes, not only accomplished, but superseded, my plan.
Last year was a year of introspection. I took deep (and painful) stock. I challenged the motives behind my social media activity. I took a few step backs, unfollowed one-third of my friends list, and don’t write nearly as many inflammatory posts as I did.
I’ve carried that introspection into the train wreck that the year 2020 has become. Soul-searching is not enjoyable. I think it can be likened to dredging. Removing layers of emotional debris and filth is a long and dirty process, but is an absolute necessity for the future. And I have far to go.
There were many factors that drove my plan off the rails, some within my control and some not.
School has always very difficult for me and I imagine it always will be. There is, however, a fine line to dance between acceptance and self-fulfilling prophecy.
I made mistakes in my marriage and was equipped with arsenal of toxic behavior, but I will never apologize for leaving a marriage rife with domestic violence and adultery.
As painful as our miscarriages were, I am grateful now the children conceived were not born into what was the height of an abusive marriage.
I am incredibly fortunate to rent an adorable and very inexpensive house. It has a huge fenced in back yard for Sebastian and my monthly rent is less than most (low end) car payments. There are some perks to living in a city with population that is 1100, mostly cows.
I turn 30 next year. It looks absolutely nothing like I had imagined, but I am grateful for the surprises that life continues to bring.